Life Through a Different Lens: A Family Photographer's Journey into Motherhood
“Motherhood has been the best thing and the hardest thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Moms, we hear this all the time from each other and it’s so true! I’m no stranger to hard work and I came into motherhood fully aware that it was going to be hard work. I knew that once a child entered the picture I’d have less time for myself and my careers, and that I’d absolutely want to put my kids before everything and everyone else. But dang, with a toddler, that doesn’t stop me from feeling like ‘where do I fit into my own life anymore?’
I Didn’t Think I was Going to Have Kids
I wanted them, but for years I was stuck in a relationship with someone I couldn’t see myself raising a child with. When that finally relationship ended and I gave myself the opportunity to do some deep soul searching and self discovery to decide what I really wanted for myself and my life. Kids, career, lifestyle, partner. During that time, along came my now-husband, Josh.
Some may say I jumped into creating a life with Josh too quickly, but I didn’t care. My heart just knew he was the one I wanted to be with. I could sense that he would be the support I wanted and needed on this journey through life and we both knew we wanted to build a life together. That’s what mattered to me. Soon we got engaged and on decided that our perfect wedding was an elopement while attending a music festival in Oregon, the day after witnessing the 2017 total solar eclipse.
Happy and Terrified
Not long after, I became pregnat with “baby Johnson” (our ‘eclipse baby'). I was so happy (and so terrified) to become a parent even though I’ve always had a nurturing momma inside of me just waiting to burst out. I knew exactly what kind of mom I wanted to be. Unfortunately, based on my own childhood experience, I most definitely knew what kind of mom I didn’t want to be. Without completely smothering Kai, I knew I wanted to create a meaningful, unbreakable bond between us and I promised myself I will be here for him NO MATTER WHAT! Something I believe every child deserves.
Being a Mom and Entrepreneur Has Been Rough
As a newborn, Kai was colicky and breastfeeding was a tricky journey on top of so many other frustrating things that would arise. Now that he’s nearly 4 years old, there are days when I feel like we’ve made it through the toughest parts of his little life, and other days when I find that dealing with a toddler is really difficult, especially while working in 2 careers, one being my own business.
At times, my fuse is far shorter than I ever thought it could be. I let frustration get the better of me when I’m not able to do my photography work and have to set it aside time and again because Kai needs me. I feel so torn and it becomes especially hard when I’m feeling behind in my work. I love being available for my clients as much as possible to plan out their photo sessions. I try to keep up with answering emails and being as responsive as I can as quickly as I can, but my boy needs me, too.
Any mom reading this knows what I mean. The mom-guilt kicks in and it’s game over. So I’m going to share some things, mom-to-mom (and for myself) that I try to remember when these tough times with a toddler pop up and I’m struggling with motherhood.
Words of Encouragement to Moms with Little Ones
You’re doing your best. Every day your ‘best’ is going to look different.
Give yourself credit for all you’ve done and are doing.
Making time to take care of your own mental, emotional and physical wellbeing is not selfish.
It’s okay to feel frustrated. At life, at your little human(s), at your partner, yourself. You’re human.
Raising children is so personal and how you’re doing it is just right for your family.
You’re not alone in your experiences. Other moms get it!
Ask for help and find your support-people. You’re not a failure for needing support.
Be compassionate toward yourself and show yourself grace in tough times.
A Reminder That Makes It All Worth It
We all know that life isn’t easy, that motherhood isn’t easy. But this is the life we (hopefully) wanted and chose. Something I try to remind myself is that it’s important to try my best to stay present. To really sit in the moment with Kai and absorb the love and experiences my little one is creating with me. It’s so easy to get caught up in the demands and frustrations, but these are moments I’ll never get back.
It’s also something that drives my passion for working with families, especially families with babies and little ones. Photographing all the sweet, silly and chaotic moments is near and dear to my mother’s heart, even more these days. Momma’s, this is our adventure: raising and nurturing little humans who fulfill us and who we can watch grow into their own person. That makes the tough times totally worth it!
